my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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