Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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