Pappa wants mamma naked
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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