It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
