Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
