This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Houston, we have a blender
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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