I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
