I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize