I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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