Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize