I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
