dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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