well I can't set my house on fire every night
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
