I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
