It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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