So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
