Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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