i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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