listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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