My hand turned me down
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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