we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
