life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
