a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize