she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
