i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
