So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
