i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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