You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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