Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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