Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
