make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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