i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
