You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
