after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
