My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
