I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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