just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He kissed a someone with a penis
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We're too hungover to prance.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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