So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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