Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
