I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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