u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
they're like a gay fantastic four
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize