I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
