from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
