Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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