Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Acid is not a monday night drug
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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