I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize