I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
