do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
