I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
