someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
