holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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