I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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