I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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