He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
