i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dicks are not precious.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
