Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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