You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
