I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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