Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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