love makes seman taste better
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
